I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
