he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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