Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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