What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
