they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
