Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
