my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
