Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
