I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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