life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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