Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
