I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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