i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
