Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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