My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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