Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
