Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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