the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nutella sex= disaster
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
