when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My liver just had a heart attack.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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