a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
