So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
