Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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