I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
