Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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