I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
