mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
