i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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