I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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