Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
