When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
