my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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