I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
