If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
