my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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