I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
