This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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