Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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