Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
