At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
