I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
