Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You pole danced in your parka.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
