A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
