I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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