Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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