My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
