Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
