Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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