I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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