i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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