Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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