i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
