Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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