I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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