OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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